


Truth of Presence

by cadkitten



Category: Angelo (Band), Pierrot (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Incest, M/M, Oral Sex, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-20
Updated: 2007-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:07:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To love someone... it's not truly to feel your heart constrict or to feel it flutter wildly within you. It's not to make a meaningless confession or to simply enjoy the presence of another. Rather, it is the truth of presence. It is the reality of finding one's soul mate...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Truth of Presence

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the kiritoxkohta LJ community contest. Rules: must include shirtless Kirito or Kohta. Must include a confession of some kind. Winner of kiritoxkohta contest! Virgin!Kohta

So fragile is the soul...something conceived of so much pain, hatred, tears, happiness, euphoria, and love. The soul is what one truly speaks of when they say they speak from the heart. Something so tender in grasp; so close to breaking at every turn and in every moment. To speak from the heart is a lie... to speak from the soul is the bittersweet truth of existence. To love someone... it's not truly to feel your heart constrict or to feel it flutter wildly within you. It's not to make a meaningless confession or to simply enjoy the presence of another. Rather, it is the truth of presence. It is the reality of finding one's soul mate... and living in their shadow for the rest of your existence. It is to find that you are happy with things the way they are, even if the rest of your being aches for more. It is to find what lies within you... within the other. In the end, it is the proof of existence and the reason behind it. Love is... painful more often than not. Bitter longing, jealousy... but under it all, one simple fact remains. You will accept your place and remain in it, just to be by their side.

Or at least that's what I tell myself each day, sitting here - thinking, watching, waiting. It is the sum of my very being. It is who I am... who I have become. In the end, it is the decision that I make, just to be near him. Some would laugh, some would call me pathetic. To sit in the shadow of another, to watch from behind. To never tell the very essence of my soul the truth. But it is who I am; it is who he wants me to be... who I _have_ to be.

A part of me aches inside when I remember just why it is that I've resigned myself to living forever in the shadow of another. Society. Reality. Certain things are just unacceptable and my love is one of them. Well... I lie, in a way. A part of my love is just fine, but another part of it is completely and irrevocably _wrong_. You see... I'm in love with my own brother.

I'm not really sure when it happened, just one day I know things changed in my mind. He became more than my brother... more than my mentor. Maybe it was watching him all these years as he took step after step in front of me, as he forged what I could not. In the end, I'm not even sure it matters why or how it all happened. The reality of it is simply that it has happened and that I can't force it to end. There's only one path that would create an end, one bitter path created of darkness and death. That alone is a path I cannot and will not walk. Instead, I choose to live alone in this agony that I have created.

I think it's the questions that are the worst... the brotherly concern. When he sits across from me, his deep brown eyes burning into my soul, eating me alive as the words I dread to hear pour from his lips, deafening me. An overstatement, you might think... but you'd be wrong. The panic that rises up, the feeling of terror settling in the pit of my stomach, the ringing in my ears getting louder by every second. That is the undeniable truth of it all. After all... how do you tell your perfect older brother that not only are you living a lie, but that you're in love with him? You don't. It's that simple. You live your lie, no matter what it takes from you, no matter how much it threatens to kill you inside.

"Kohta!"

My head snaps up at his voice. I haven't been paying attention. It's rare that I get lost in my own thoughts while he's right in front of me. I try not to let everything overcome me like that, but sometimes it's a fruitless effort. Today is one of those days, I suppose. Maybe it's the fact that I'm engaged to this girl... or maybe it's that I know one day soon I'll have to reveal the truth to her and pray she doesn't leave me for it.

"Yes?" My voice, as usual, manages not to impart any of my true feelings upon the ears of the public.

A sigh leaves his lips, a gentle breath of slight frustration. "I asked if you're okay."

I swallow hard at the lump in my throat. The wry thought of maybe there's a reason why I'm not the vocalist crosses my mind before I speak. "Yeah... I'm fine."

"Mmmm...." A clear sign that he doesn't believe a word that just left my lips. He's never been one to outright tell me he doesn't believe me, but I can tell anyway.

I try again, almost desperate to dissuade his worry. "I was just thinking about the wedding plans. That's all."

"Oh... is she being difficult again?" A note of bitterness that I'm certain is only imagined by my tired mind hangs over the words. An innocent question turned into something more than it is by the mind of a man stepping into the biggest lie of his life.

"No..." but I am. The last part silent, but a thought lost in the dust of my mind.

He finishes his coffee and gets up from the booth, tossing money down for his half of what we owe. "I've got to get going... another interview." His eyes are on me, I can feel them, burning a hole in my soul. "What do I tell them about your wedding plans if they ask?"

Uneasy silence... but mostly only uneasy for me, for the liar. "Soon... that the wedding's coming soon."

His hand on my shoulder, fleeting contact, there for an instant and then gone. A slight nod of his head, jet black strands falling into his face at the movement. Beauty... perfection... and completely out of my reach. I let my fingers glide over his as he pulls away, craving all the contact that I can get, sucking it in like some kind of absurd Kohta-shaped sponge.

No sooner has he gone than I feel the emptiness settle deep inside my being. I guess this is what I get, pining after what I cannot have. But the whole thing is beyond my power to change. My soul isn't mine to influence. Rather, it is there to influence me, to guide me down the path of my life... even if the path is paved with warning signs the size of mountains.

My phone vibrates and I pick it up, not even looking at who it is, but knowing it's her again. Every twenty minutes lately... her, her, _her_... always her... never him.

"Hello?" My voice rings hollow in my ears, equally as flat and emotionless as the way I feel about her. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful person. But, like I said, I'm living a lie... a bigger one than most who venture down this path. Not only am I in love with my brother, but I'm not even into women at all. That's why a bitter feeling settles in my stomach each time she calls. The knowledge that one day soon, it will all come crashing down, the broken truth lying open on the table before me.

"Hey, babe! I was wondering if you were ready to come help me re-paint the living room. Otherwise you get stuck with the peach I already have up!"

Even her voice grates on my nerves today. I want nothing more than to hang up and crawl back in my hole. "Yeah... sure. I'll be there in a few." I hang up, not even waiting on an answer.

Sliding from the booth, I toss more money down and leave the café, my hands deep in my pockets, my head down. The walk to her place from the restaurant isn't far, and I don't take my time getting there. Time has told me that dealing with anything I don't want to do is better off done fast, like ripping off a bandage.

I arrive, pushing the unlocked door open the rest of the way, not bothering to knock. She's standing there, covered in white paint splotches, her dark hair mussed and mostly out of the ponytail she put it up in. To anyone else, she might have been a vision of beauty. But to me... to me, she's just a friend with a job I need to help her do.

I slip off my shoes and quietly pick up the spare paint brush, immediately getting to work on the adjacent wall. By now, she's used to my silence... she's taken it to be who I am and nothing more than that. A man of few words. I never was before this. I used to talk until I'd give Kirito a headache from it and he'd tell me to shut up. I've changed... everything's changed.

I dip the brush into the paint tray beneath me and then reach up and place the first stroke upon the wall, slowly covering the old with the new. Ironic maybe... for it is what I have done with myself. I watch as the peach bleeds through the first coat, diligent and, in a sense, foreboding. Do I bleed through? Is the old not so easily covered by the new? Maybe I bleed through over and over, showing what lies beneath. Or maybe I'm some kind of super paint, not letting the old seep out at all. Another stroke, and another, and another, until a good sixth of the wall is covered.

I reach up to put another line of paint up and a single droplet falls, landing on the very edge of my shirt. I stare at it in dismay before putting the brush down and attempting to wipe it off. Frustrated, I take my shirt off and toss it toward the couch. It falls short and lies helpless on the burgundy sea of carpet. If it falls short... do I as well? So much self-doubt these days. It's like a plague that I can't stop; a fever that I can't break... an ache that won't go away. The perpetual ache of my soul as I live out this lie.

Angrily, I begin to slap paint on the wall, each stroke a dull white representation of a lie.

'I love you,' said to her in front of my brother as proof of my commitment. A lie.

'Will you marry me?' The escape route; a lie built for my parents' happiness.

A kiss in front of the entire world on tape, just for their benefit. A lie.

A touch here, a hug there. One lie and then another.

Each thing we've bought or done to prepare for the wedding. Lie after lie, after lie.

'I want this...' words that left my lips when Kirito asked if I was sure I was doing the right thing. Yet another lie.

The list goes on and on, lie after lie, each one weighing on my soul like a bitter poison. I can feel my inner anguish seeping out, just as the peach paint seeps out from behind the white. Without thinking about it, I hurl my brush at the wall, an anguished sound leaving my lips as I do. As the tears track down my cheeks, I stand frozen, realizing that it's all crashing down... right here, right now. Not in seventeen days, as I had anticipated. But instead, now.

I feel her hands on me as I fall to my knees, shaking. I shove them away, unable to deal with the feel of something so dishonest, something I've made to be so wrong, upon me. I can hear her words, but I can't force them to make any sense. It's like my brain is rushing a million miles an hour and she's on slow. A different path of existence... where I want so badly to fit in, where I know I never will. She holds me close as I break, but it's not her that I want to hold me, to comfort me. This is it... this is the end. I can't let it go on any longer without the truth... or at least some shallow part of it. I can't stand another touch, another lie, another moment of anguish for my soul.

I force out the words without another thought. "A lie... it's all a lie." I look up, tears still falling down my face. "I'm just like the paint... I'm bleeding through." My body shakes with banked emotion, threatening to overflow; a dam preparing to break.

Confusion settles on her features, covering the worry from a second before. "What do you mean?"

I shake my head, pulling away from her touch and backing up across the burgundy sea beneath me. "I... there's something you need to know." I'm not sure how my voice doesn't quiver with the fear that I hold; how it doesn't betray my emotions at such a time... but it doesn't. "Please, try to understand, I... I never meant to hurt you."

She settles down on her knees a few feet away from me, smoothing her jeans with her hands as she waits for me to continue.

"I know you'll be upset with me... but please... please know that my intentions were never to hurt you." I look up at her, my blue eyes pleading with her to understand.

"Go on..."

"I..." I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself inside, "I'm gay." The words are but a whisper. They float on the air, hanging there like some oppressive cloud plotting my demise.

She's quiet for far too long and when she does speak, it's with the air of skepticism. "Are you sure?"

I stare at her stupidly, wondering if maybe she didn't hear the words I actually spoke. "Yes, I'm sure. I've been sure since I was thirteen."

She arches an eyebrow at me. "But you've kissed me, hugged me, touched me... how can you be gay and do that?"

I stare at the floor now, unable to look at her as I reply. "You can pretend many things when you close your eyes."

"Fine... then why? Why date me at all? Why ask me to marry you? Why say you love me?" Her voice, rising in volume, fills my head. Now she believes me.

My voice is quiet... saddened. "Never to hurt you... never that." My fingers wind together in some absurd dance of my nerves. "My parents... they expect things from me. I'm the son who they think will marry, have a family, settle down and be happy with a nice woman." I glance up at her, gauging her reaction. She looks pissed. "They've always liked you... all these years you've been my friend, they've always said good things about you, hinted at me that I should look at you as more than a friend. I just couldn't stand being a failure in their eyes any longer. I... I can't ever be who I really am."

Desperation to get her to understand, to not be mad, sets in and I plead with her. "Please... you've been happy until now. You've been okay with how it's been between us so far, right? It can stay this way... it just can't ever go any further than that."

"Then how the hell do you expect to provide your parents with a family, Kohta? I'm not exactly self-impregnating, you know!"

I wince, her words cutting me like knives. "Artificial insemination. If I pay enough, they won't require me to get tested for issues or anything... they'll just do it for us. And I'll pay until it works."

She shakes her head, almost violently. "You bastard... you've thought this all through. How to fake it all to the outside world, how to make your parents happy, how to pull off your huge lie. But you forgot one thing... you forgot about me, about my happiness! What am I supposed to do? Live in the shadow of your lie for the rest of my life? Raising children I know are nothing but false pretences? I can't and I _won't_ do it!"

My head snaps up, my eyes frantically searching hers. "But, I did think of that! Really, I did! You could have any man you want on the side and I'll never say a word."

"Oh, such a romantic gesture! I get to fuck whoever I want while I live your lie for you. And you? Do you get to go around fucking any guy you want too?"

I look away, tears threatening behind my eyes again. "No... I don't. I'd remain faithful to you for the rest of my life."

"Yeah, like I'm going to believe that you, the self-proclaimed virgin, would choose to remain that way for the rest of eternity. I think not!"

A single tear falls, making its way down my cheek, over my jaw, and along my neck. "There's only one person I'm in love with... only one person I'd ever want to be with. He'll never be mine, so I'll remain alone in that respect forever."

She's silent for a minute and then gets up, coming to stand over me. Shining metal falls into my lap, the glitter of a diamond gleaming up at me like some kind of beacon, symbolizing the end of everything I've come to know as reality. "Out... get out. Out of here and out of my life. I mean it. I won't be here if you come back. I won't be here ever again."

Part of me wants to plead with her, to try to explain it all even more. But I can't bring myself to honestly care anymore. I stand up, tucking the ring into my pocket and retrieving my shirt from the floor. I stand at the door for a moment, contemplating my parting words. Oddly all I can think of is to ensure that my secret is safe. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

The paint brush that I was using hits the wall beside my head with enough force to honestly scare me. "I won't breathe a word of your pathetic secret so long as you walk out of my life and never come back."

I nod almost imperceptibly and open the door to leave. As I pull it closed, I can hear her let out a sob behind me. I don’t dare try to comfort her as I once may have done. I've made my proverbial bed... and now I have no choice but to lie in it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

I wipe away the remnants of my tears as I make my way out of the building. I hunch over as much as I can in some pathetic attempt to hide from the outside world as I edge my way into the crowded sidewalk. Thoughts fly around in my mind a million miles an hour. The only ones I can catch center around Kirito. It's kind of sad... in a pathetic sort of way. I veer off the main street and down an alleyway as I head toward home.

I turn another corner and my eye catches a promotional poster hanging on the side of a building. Kirito stares back at me from the glossy photograph, his eyes piercing through me even though he's not really there. I slowly turn away, moving on down the street.

My fingers find the phone inside my pocket and I pull it out, glancing at the time. It's only been half an hour or so since I left the diner. Maybe, just maybe, Kirito will have left his phone on vibrate during the interview. I push the speed dial for his number and hold the phone to my ear, waiting for his voice.

"This had best be important..."

I stop and lean back against the wall of a store. "It is... I..." I clear my throat, trying desperately to not let my nerves fail me again, "have you told them anything about the wedding yet?"

"Actually, they just asked right as you called."

"I... I have an update then."

"Oh?" His voice holds an edge to it, something I can't quite identify.

"Yeah... tell them... tell them it's off."

"Off?" Is it me or did his voice just rise ever so slightly?

"Yeah... over, done, not happening... off." My voice is quivering now, betraying me when I need it to hold together the most.

"What?! Oh no... what happened? You know what, never mind. Where are you?"

I glance up at my surroundings and realize I'm almost to my apartment. "On my way home."

"I'll be there in a few minutes, Kohta."

He hangs up without another word and I pull the phone away from my ear and stare down at it as it flashes the disconnected message at me. Part of me is confused, part of me is pleased. Why would he leave in the middle of an interview just to come talk to me about this? But then I realize why. He's my brother and he's always been there for me. Why would that change now? Perfection wrapped in a pleasing Kirito covering... that's my brother.

I push away from the wall and continue on my way to my apartment. It's like I'm on autopilot, I don't even think of where I'm going, I just go. Eventually I'm standing in my living room. Just standing there, staring around helplessly, like it's some kind of foreign land to me. I sink down on the couch and curl up in the corner of it, taking comfort from the deep brown fibers.

Even when there's a knock at the door, I don't move. I can't. It's as if I've been glued to my spot on the couch and can't possibly get away. I curl in tighter on myself and reach up, sliding my hands into my hair, pulling hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. My body starts to rock ever so slightly, all of its own accord. I should have told him not to come, that I didn't want company... that I was fine. What if he asks too much? What if he... too many things, too many possibilities for this to end well. Honest tears well in my eyes and I blink them back almost frantically.

I can hear his key in the lock. I should have known he'd use it. I hide my face behind my arms, still tugging harshly on my hair. He shouldn’t see me like this... what will he think? I'll just be his loser brother again... like always. Why can I never do anything right when it comes to him? The door opens and closes and I hear him taking off his shoes. Almost too quickly, I hear his footsteps coming closer to me and then his weight shifts the couch as he sits.

I tense as his arms slide around me and he pulls me almost effortlessly into his lap and holds me there. My breath catches in my throat as his fingers slide over mine. He gently disentangles my hands from my hair and then smoothes the long black locks away from my face. His thumb glides over my skin, wiping away my tears and I can't help but lean into the touch, my eyes falling closed as I do. My lips part ever so slightly as my breath quickens just enough for me to notice, but not nearly enough for anyone else to tell. Control... I can feel it slipping through my fingers like sand on a windy day. If he doesn't stop this... I can't even let myself think of what could happen.

I pull back from his hand ever so slightly, part of me dismayed and the other part relieved. His voice startles me as it dislodges me from my internal thoughts.

"Tell me, Kohta... all of it, what happened?" The sound of his voice is so smooth and rich, just like it always is... tempting, concerned... and pleasing.

"It's over... it's all over." A shudder runs though my body and I move to get up. His arms automatically slide around me and hold me there, trapping me in his lap.

"No running away... I want the entire story."

I let out a soft sigh as I give up and rest my head on his shoulder. At least I won't have to look at him when I say this. "We had a fight and she told me to get out of her life forever." My hand snakes down to my pocket and I pull out the ring and hold it up so that he can see it. "Forever..."

He shifts slightly and pulls me closer. "Hmm... a fight over what exactly? I mean, there are only so many things that could be bad enough she'd give this back..."

I shake my head. "I... I don't want to talk about that."

"Kohta..." his voice holds a warning tone, one I've only heard a few times in my life. "Is it what I think?"

"I dunno... what do you think it is?" I inhale his scent, frantically trying to calm myself. My insides feel like gelatin.

"Did you... listen, I'm not jumping to any conclusions here... I just know why I'd leave if I were her. But... did you cheat on her?"

I tense in his grasp and yank myself backward hard enough to break his hold on me. I stumble backward as I almost launch myself from the couch, damn near hitting the television stand in the process. "What?! No!" I glare at him, my entire body shaking now from rage rather than fear. Why would he think so lowly of me? Do I really come across that way? Am I really that horrible of a person in his eyes? I throw the ring at him, it simply being the closest thing to launch. "I'd never do that and you damn well know it! Besides that, what the hell would I do that for?! It's not like I've done it in all these years anyway, why would I start right before I marry someone?!"

He stares at me, his eyes dancing with a plethora of emotions - surprise, confusion... hurt. I swallow hard as I steady myself with the edge of the bookshelf. "I..." I look away, unable to do anything more than that.

He sighs, moving to pinch the bridge of his nose between two fingers as he shakes his head. "Then what? If you just tell me, I don't have to play this game and end up hurting you."

A cold chill runs through my body. It's like icy cold knives piercing every inch of my skin almost simultaneously. Dread... that is what this moment feels like... the moment in which everything comes crashing down. Not just my lies, not just my reality... but my entire life. "She left me because I told her the truth."

"The truth?"

A nod, almost imperceptible. "The truth... the truth about everything... about me." I meet his eyes for just a moment, memorizing what I see there. I close my eyes and turn my face away, holding that picture in my mind's eye. My grip on the bookcase becomes white-knuckled and my breath quickens. This is so much harder than it was with her. If I tell him... if he knows... he'll hate me. My heart constricts in my chest and I find myself actually gasping for breath. The pain gets worse and I clutch at my chest with my free hand as the world starts to swirl before my eyes. That deafening roar is back, drowning out everything else. I feel sick to my stomach and I try to shake off the feeling. I fall to my knees, almost taking the bookshelf with me. I can feel it tip and vaguely I can hear the books thump down around me. I claw at my chest. It feels like I need to make a hole in it so that I can breathe again... so that the pain stops. Everything goes black and I feel myself falling.

When I come to, I'm warm... warmer than I should be. I open my eyes, blinking until I can see clearly. It's dark and I'm in bed... and there's someone with me. I move slightly, pushing the covers away a bit. Arms slide around me and pull me close to the other person.

"Hey... you're awake."

His voice... so concerned. I reach out and slide my fingers over my brother's cheek before I pull away and sit up. "I... I didn't mean to freak out like that. I'm sorry."

The bed shifts as he moves to sit beside me. "Don’t worry about it. Are you okay, though? You haven't done that in years..."

I stare down at my hands. "I seem to be doing it a lot lately..."

"The doctors said it's only when you're overly stressed and not working it out. I'm worried, Kohta... seriously, what's going on?" His hand rubs soothing circles on my back as he speaks.

I can feel another episode coming on and I realize I'm only hurting myself even more this way. It's now or never. I can't keep doing this to myself... to him. "I like guys." The words are spoken so low that I can barely hear them myself, but his hand pauses on my back and I know that he's heard me anyway. I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on not panicking... on accepting whatever his reaction is.

"Like, how?"

"Relationship-wise... I don't like women that way." My entire body is rigid with the fear of what will happen.

"So... you're gay?" No disgust, no confusion... just curiosity.

"Yes." The word is whispered as I clutch at the bedspread beneath me.

"Then why were you marrying her?"

"To please our parents... I thought she'd understand... that friendship would be enough."

"Oh, Kohta..." Sadness seeps into his words. "But... what about everything else? Were you just going to live out your life without ever knowing real love? Without ever knowing the pleasure of another?"

I twist my hands in my lap now, having given the bedspread a break. "That's how it has to be."

I can feel him go stiff behind me, his hand still firmly on my back. "Why? Why should it have to be that way?"

"I can't be who I really am. I can't ruin everything you've built for us just because I'm wired all wrong inside. I won't kill your dreams just to live out my own. It wouldn't be right."

He sucks in a sharp breath. "I... I don't understand."

"You gave up so much in the beginning... even now, you give your all to the band. Even when Pierrot broke up, you were still determined to not let go of our dreams. You've rebuilt us as something new and, again, successful. If the world were to find out that I'm gay... it'd all end, right there. I'd ruin you and your dreams with my dirty secrets. I won't do that to you. The more people that know the truth, the more chances there are that everything will go up in smoke. And if I did go out and date men... all of them would know. Each one would be another chance at ruining everything. Every place I showed up that maybe a straight man shouldn't, would be one more way to hurt you. And aside from that... even if I could do all of that without a care in the world, I wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"I'm in love with someone I can't have." I shrug ever so slightly. "I don't want anyone else and they don't want me like that, so I was just going to settle down and create a family and make everyone else happy instead."

Amusement tugs at his voice for a moment. "And how exactly were you going to create a family without sex?"

"Artificial insemination.... I had it all planned out. Marry her, pay enough that the doctors don't ask questions a few months after we've settled down together, have kids, look normal on the outside, and let her screw whoever she wants on the side without me interfering. Simple as that."

"And your happiness?"

"Doesn't matter."

"How can you say that so easily? Your happiness should come first and foremost in your life, Kohta..."

"My happiness is unattainable. Therefore it doesn't matter."

He's silent for long enough that I actually chance a look over at him. He's staring at me, his deep brown eyes studying me with a sadness I've not ever seen reflected there. Have I disappointed him like I think I have? Even if it's that, at least he doesn't hate me... yet. I sigh and look away. I reach up and rub slightly at my chest, wincing. It's still aching somewhat, my emotions feeding the pain that flits around inside of me.

"You okay?"

I nod. "Will be..."

"I don't honestly think it'd ruin us, Kohta. I um... I kind of know it wouldn't."

I glance back at him again. "What?"

He winces slightly. "I suppose you're not the only one keeping secrets really." He scratches the back of his neck nervously. "When's the last time you saw me with a girl?"

I blink stupidly at him as my brain fails to come up with even one instance anytime recently. "Uh..."

He drops his hand into his lap and shifts slightly. "Three years ago... I brought some random girl to the New Years party we had with the guys."

Vaguely I can remember her, blonde if I recall correctly. "Some blonde chick?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh to hell with it." He looks me in the eye, sitting up straighter in the process. "I'm bisexual. There, I said it."

I stare at him, my brain going haywire as I try to compute the information he's just given me. Inwardly I groan as it all sets in, realizing he's just made it even harder to deny my own feelings. "And?" I know my reply sounds bitter, but I just can't seem to help it. Some part of me is actually mad at him for giving me more reason to feel what I do for him.

"And... I go to those places that maybe I shouldn't go. I date other men. And not once has any of it ever slipped out. You just have to know where to go... have to find the right person in the industry and keep it in the industry. That's all there is to it. We all keep each other's secrets and we'd never betray what we know would blow up in our faces if we did."

I look up, studying him before I look away again. "I already told you... it doesn’t even matter if I _can_ be who I am. The man I love doesn't love me like that. And even if he did, it wouldn't be right." My voice holds all of my inner turmoil within it. It's almost like I'm singing the song of my own pity.

"Who do you love?"

I shake my head. "No..."

He moves closer to me and his hand slips onto my shoulder. "Hey... it's not like I'm going to go running off to tell or something. You know I'd never do that to you."

"It doesn’t matter... you can't know, you just can't."

"Fine... then why can't I know?"

He's edging on my nerves. What am I supposed to say? Lie to him? I won't do that to him... I respect him too much.

"Kohta, please? I just... maybe I can help."

I laugh bitterly. "Somehow I doubt that your reaction would be to help me."

He stares at me in shock. "What did I do to make you think that I'd do anything other than that?"

"It's not that..."

"Then what is it?"

"You..." I lick my lips nervously, "you'll hate me for it."

"Didn't you think I'd hate you for what you've already confessed?"

"Yes, but this is different... far, far different."

"How so?"

I glare at him. Something in me changes, like some part of me has broken and I simply don't care how he'll react anymore. It's almost like I _want_ him to know. "Fine! I'll tell you and then you'll understand why I didn't want to!" I twist around and grasp his wrist, pulling him down on the bed as I move over him, straddling him. I stare down at him, my expression more sad than anything as I run my thumb over his lips ever so gently. I study him, watching the confusion cloud his eyes as I lean down until my breath ghosts across his lips. I quiver ever so slightly as I let my eyes fall closed and I press my lips gently against his. His lips are so soft beneath my own... like a dream; velvety soft skin against me. I let myself go and just kiss him the way I've always dreamed of... the way I've never kissed anyone before. I slip my tongue out, running it along the seam of his lips before I pull back, trailing my fingers over his chest and I sit up, my head bowed, my eyes closed. A light blush tingles in my cheeks, more from passion than from embarrassment. "It's you... it's you that I love... that I want." My voice is stronger than I feel. "I know it's wrong and I know you'll hate me for it... but I can't change it. I've tried... oh, god, have I tried." I shake my head as I move to get off of him.

His hands settle on my hips and he keeps me where I am. "Look at me, Kohta."

I open my eyes and find something I never expected reflected in the brown depths.

His eyes glitter with pleasure as he stares up at me. A smile flits about his lips, still slick from my own saliva. "I said if you'd tell me, I could help." His hand slips up my torso, along my neck and into my hair. He tugs me down to him and captures my lips with his own. I shudder almost violently against him as I kiss him back, allowing myself to kiss him without thought and in almost wild abandon. Our tongues meet and swirl about one another in a sweet dance of everlasting sin. I pull back ever so slightly as I whisper his name against his lips. "Kirito..."

He slides his other arm around my waist and flips us over, so that he's between my legs, hovering just over me. His eyes flit over my body before he leans down and captures my lips once more. His kiss isn't soft or gentle, but rather harsh and demanding... everything I ever dreamed it'd be. My hands almost claw at his sides in some kind of frantic desperation. I want so much more than this. My blood feels like it's boiling in my veins and I'm already hard just from this little amount of contact with him. I can only dream of where this could go, just how much could be explored like this. I let out a half strangled cry of frustration as my hands fist in his shirt and I pull him down against me, my hips bucking up against his. I drag myself against him, causing an almost unbearable friction between us. I shudder in pleasure as I repeat the process again.

He pulls back after a minute or so, leaving me flushed and vulnerable beneath him. His eyes trail down my body, his fingertips following until he reaches the hem of my shirt and he pulls it upwards. I let him remove it, helping him by sitting up slightly and raising my arms. He discards it and then removes his own, letting it fall away carelessly as his fingers find my body once more. His hands are everywhere, sending thrills through my entire being with every touch. I'm breathing so hard already and I'm almost desperate for release. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. This is everything I ever wanted... ever desired. I'm so excited I can barely see straight.

I reach out for him, my hands exploring every inch of flesh that I've never felt I had a right to so much as look at, much less touch. Pleased sounds escape my lips as I react to his every movement. He leans down, his mouth finding my neck and sucking lightly there. I gasp and arch into him, letting my head fall back against the bed as he travels further down, catching my nipple in his mouth and swirling his tongue around it until I let out a harsh cry.

Then he's kissing me again, his tongue caressing my own as his hand slides down my abdomen and settles over the bulge in my jeans. I tense beneath him, but he just keeps kissing me, his hand just resting over the evidence of my arousal. I melt into his kisses, just letting the sensation overwhelm me until I involuntarily begin to buck against his hand. He grasps me through the material of my pants and begins to stroke me. I arch up, pulling away from the kiss to gasp for my breath as the sensations flow over me. Someone else doing this is so different... so much better than my own hand. I reach out and grab his shoulder for leverage as I begin to thrust against his hand. Little sounds of ecstasy fall from my lips with every movement.

His hand leaves me and I cry out in disappointment. I was so close... teetering on the edge. Why'd he stop? I try to pull him back, arching up from the bed as far as I can.

"Easy, Kohta..." His voice is like silk and I instantly calm down, lying still beneath him, my eyes searching his pleadingly. He smirks at me as his fingers quickly undo my jeans and he slides them down my hips. I help him get them off of me, lifting my legs so he can pull the material away and let it fall to the floor beside the bed. "You weren't kidding about being inexperienced, were you?" There's no malice in his voice, just curiosity and a touch of amusement.

"N-no." I gasp as his fingers slip into the waistband of my boxers and he tugs them down as well, discarding them without a second thought. Almost instantly, I'm ashamed. My cheeks heat with embarrassment and I try to cover myself. He pulls my hands away, kissing the palm of each one before placing them on his hips as he leans back down and kisses me again.

His words are whispered against my lips. "Don't hide yourself from me... you're gorgeous." And then his hand closes around me and I groan as the sensation shoots through me. Gods... so different from when I do this... so very different. So much pleasure. My cock strains against his hand as he begins to slowly pump it, his thumb swiping over the head on every upward tug. My fingertips dig into his hips as I tremble at his every touch. This alone is a million times better than I ever dreamed. His mouth moves to my neck again, providing a dual pleasure that I'm helpless against. My hips move of their own accord, thrusting harshly against his hand as he lets me set the pace that I need. My hands tighten even more and my movements become frantic and I completely lose what little rhythm I had. A harsh gasp leaves my lips as the tightly wound coil within me snaps. My hips jerk upward one last time and then I'm cumming, my very essence spurting out over his fingers in little warm rivers.

I fall back against the mattress, panting softly as my fingers weakly paw at his sides.

"Kohta..." his voice is so deep, so sensual. I open my eyes and look up at him. A deviant sparkle shines in his eyes as he lifts his hand to his lips and begins to lap away my leavings. I groan softly as I watch the display. I'm slightly surprised that I can feel a slight tightening in my groin, even though I just came harder than I ever have before. I blush, knowing that in a minute he'll know that he's still affecting me.

He leans down and gently captures my lips with his own. I can taste myself on him still and it sends a little thrill through me. I've contaminated him... given him a part of myself and he took it willingly. I slide my arms around his waist and tug him down until he's laying on me. I can feel his erection pressing against me and I move my hips experimentally, wondering how he'll react. He stops kissing me and buries his face in the crook of my neck as I continue my movements. But other than that, he's completely still. I can feel myself starting to get hard again from the friction, but his lack of reaction is confusing me. "Kirito?"

"Mmm?"

"Are you enjoying this at all?"

He laughs softly against my neck as he shifts his hips harder against me, all but pinning me to the mattress. "I'm sure you can feel that I am."

"But you're so still... am I not doing this right?"

This time his entire body shakes with his laughter. "Oh, Kohta..." he kisses my neck lightly, "you worry too much. I just wanted to know how far you'd get all on your own." He pulls back and looks down at me. "I guess I overestimated how far you'd get. I thought for sure you'd try to get my pants off at least."

"You're playing with me!"

"Not at all. If I were playing with you, I'm not sure you'd like it..." There's a glint in hits eyes that I've seen many times over the years, but never directed at me.

"Try me..."

He arches an eyebrow at me and then sits back completely. "Is that a challenge?"

I stare him right in the eyes and nod. "Sure is."

He smirks. "Just how much are you willing to take then?"

"Whatever you dish out."

"I bet you won't even get past the first thing I ask."

I sit up slightly and do my best to glare at him. "Oh yeah? Prove it." Ahhh... brotherly love. Combined with not-so-brotherly love... what a sweet, sweet combination.

He lifts his hands and within a few moments, he's opened his pants and freed his erection from the confines. He strokes himself for a moment, moaning softly as he does.

I shiver as I watch him, drinking in all that he will give me.

He moves his hands away and lets them fall limp by his side. "Pleasure me."

"Thought you'd never ask." Something about him challenging me to all of this gives me the guts I need to do it without hesitation. Perhaps it's the good-natured rivalry of siblings or maybe it's that I'd do anything for him, even jump off a bridge, if he just asked me to. I sit up and slide closer to him. I reach out and grasp his cock in my hand, quickly starting to pump it the way I like to touch myself. He moans and arches into the touch, his hands coming up and settling on my shoulders. His hips thrust against me ever so slightly with each movement that I make and I can't help but grow hard just knowing that I'm finally touching him. His moans are like music to my ears and I want nothing more than to create more of them.

Without even thinking about the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing, I grab his hips and still him, pushing him back a little as I lean down. Hesitantly, I flick out my tongue, tasting the head of his straining erection and the single drop of pre-cum residing there. His hand tangles in my hair and he urges me closer. I slide my tongue along the shaft before taking the tip into my mouth and sucking slightly. It's not like I don't know the mechanics of what I'm doing... after all, I've watched enough porn and read enough erotic novels to learn what to do. It's only my own lack of experience that makes me wary that I won't do this right.

"Go on... you're doing fine."

His reassurance is all I really need. I slide more of his length into my mouth, as much as I feel comfortable with, and then let it slip back out. I keep going, repeating my motions over and over, and relishing the feel of his cock in my mouth. I try to imprint the feeling of it into my brain; the taste of him... every ridge and vein of his cock goes down in my memory. He groans above me, his hand tightening in my hair ever so slightly. "Faster, baby...."

I hasten my movements, wanting to give him everything he wants. My own cock is achingly hard between my thighs, standing rigidly out from my body as I bend over him like this. My hips buck against air in some hopeless attempt to find satisfying friction. But even my own frustration can't subtract from the feeling of him in my mouth, the sound of his slick flesh entering and leaving my mouth. I suck hard on him, wanting so badly to make him cum for me.

He grabs my head and stills it as he begins to thrust his cock into my mouth. He's careful not to push in any further than I'd already taken him, but at the same time, his movements are almost frantic. "Hnn... Kohta!" He throws back his head and arches in the most erotic fashion as his cock slides into my mouth once more, spurting its offering in with such force it slides down the back of my throat, completely missing my tongue. Only the last few drops find their way onto my tongue as he pulls out and collapses back against the bed. "Fuck... Kohta...."

I practically crawl over him, my mouth finding his as quickly as I can. I kiss him forcefully... wantonly, as my hand finds its way down to my throbbing cock and I stroke myself hard and fast. Within less than a minute, I've brought myself off, my release splattering the comforter beneath me as I lay my head against his shoulder and try to catch my breath.

He strokes my back gently until I finally whisper in his ear, "I love you so much...."

His arms come around me and he pulls me down on top of him as he lies back on the bed. "And I, you."

I couldn't be happier than I am right in this moment. And for the first time in my life, I realize what the real truth is. It is your soul that guides you, leads you down the path you are meant for. But it's the heart that helps you on that journey; that makes it all worth it in the end. To love someone, to truly love them, it is both in the way your heart aches for them and in the way your soul leads you after them. Three words... a meaningless confession... unless you're saying it to that one person, the one you're destined for. My love may be fundamentally wrong, but in the end, all that matters is between us. Love is... where you can hide at, seek comfort within, and above all else... it is, the truth of presence.


End file.
